Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell, ABC, 8.30pm

As our political landscape grows ever more farcical, it is doubtless both the best  and  worst of times for satirists like Micallef. On the one hand he’s probably never had so much material to draw from; on the other, given Mad as Hell  tries to be  topical  and is only filmed two days before going to air, his gags are likely to be outdated within 48 hours. And given our PM has almost transcended satire himself in recent weeks, it must be a tough gig. By the time tonight’s episode goes to air, who knows what we can expect from Micallef  – the one thing we can predict is it’ll be bloody funny.

Witnesses, SBS One, 9.30pm

The penultimate episode of this sinister French thriller is as disturbing as we’ve seen so far – and still leaves a couple of questions unanswered ahead of next week’s finale. Gorbier (Laurent Lucas),  complete with his creepy face paint, is holding his family and Maisonneuve (Thierry Lhermitte)  in the sleekest and most moodily lit of the display houses so far – but now what? As Winckler (Marie Dompnier)  and her colleagues frantically try to track him down, her suspicions that Gorbier is working alone are confirmed when yet more bodies are dug up from a cemetery. Meanwhile, Winckler’s private life continues to fall apart.

Tattoo Tales ABC2, 9.40pm

The reality TV genre is awash with tattoo-based programs, and now the ABC is getting in on the act. Tattoo Tales captures the apparently candid action inside busy tattoo studio Bondi Ink, on Sydney’s Bondi Beach. Luckily owner Joe is an affable chap, and in this first episode we’re introduced to a couple of his artists, but as with all similar ink-based programs, the crux of the program is the customers and their tattoo-related backstories. Tonight there’s an eccentric Russian woman, Anastasia,  with a penchant to over-share,  brother and sister Katik and Khyati who are both getting inked to honour their late mum, teenager Bianca, who has come in with her mum to have a small ankle tatt to honour her late brother, and loved-up rockabilly couple Rusty and Ginger, who have driven six hours to get their matching tatts done in Bondi. Engaging enough, but  not one for hardcore ink addicts.
Kylie Northover

PAY TV

Z Nation, Syfy, 8.30pm

The schlock-horror merchants at  The Asylum have been churning out their ‘‘mockbusters" for more than a decade.  There have been some high spots – such as Sharknado and the sublime casting of ’80s pop poppets Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid – but on the whole their output has struggled to reach the low bar of being so bad that it’s good. Z Nation is in the same kind of no-man’s land – it isn’t good enough to watch unironically but it isn’t silly enough to watch just for the giggles. Everything about it is  uneven, from the tone of the production (frowning seriousness with incongruous blasts of hokey comedy) to the quality of the acting. Anyway, there has been a zombie apocalypse, and a soldier played by Harold Perrineau  has to get a zombie-bite survivor across the country so scientists can make vaccines from his blood. He soon acquires a bunch of followers (including Tom Everett Scott and Kellita Smith), while a dorky computer hacker with Good Morning, Vietnam syndrome (DJ Qualls) looks set to provide remote assistance. Genre fans will watch out of a sense of duty.

Junior Paramedics, BBC Knowledge, 8.30pm

An interesting ride-along reality series following student paramedics on placement with a British ambulance service. The teenagers have only just moved out of home and into university dorms, so they’ve had to learn to cook and clean while learning how to deal with heart attacks and how to get patients with spinal injuries on to helicopters. The gruelling, unpredictable shifts on real ambulances prove an eye-opener. 
Brad Newsome

MOVIES

The Secret Garden (1993), Nine, 1pm

Frances Hodgson Burnett’s The Secret Garden is one of the most beloved children’s stories of all time. It tells of a girl who loses her parents to cholera in India and is sent, eventually, to the forbidding Yorkshire manor of a reclusive uncle. Grimpen Mire would make for a happier outing than Misselthwaite Manor.The uncle has not coped well with the death of his wife or a crippled son. Depression reigns in this dark and gloomy place, and it will take three brave children to ensure the light once again shines, to discover and revitalise a hidden garden and unshackle its healing powers.Burnett’s book is unusual in that it is a rather adult tale, dealing with complex subjects – death, debilitating illness, grief, wanton cruelty, blaming children for the loss of a spouse, and dissociation from the natural world – that less-courageous children’s authors might shy from. One reason for the spiritual intensity could be Burnett’s having found sustenance and inspiration in the writings of Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science.The Secret Garden was turned into a screen masterpiece by Fred M. Wilcox in 1949 (the first sound version) and has been remade several times since, including today’s 1993 version from Polish director Agnieszka Holland. With music by Krzysztof Kieslowski’s composer Zbigniew Preisner, and a song from Linda Rondstat, this is a modern, slick and colourful rendition of the classic tale. But it never comes close to moving an audience as the Wilcox does.

Definitely Maybe (2008), Romance Movies (Pay TV), 8.30pm

A romantic comedy from Adam Brooks, who co-wrote the pleasant Wimbledon and the cherished French Kiss. In Definitely, Maybe, which Brooks also directed, a divorced political consultant, Will Hayes (Ryan Reynolds), tells his 10-year-old daughter, Maya (Abigail Breslin), the history of the women in his life. Of these, one is Maya’s mother, but which one? And is Will in fact telling the truth? If you believe a father would tell so sexually explicit a story to a young child, then maybe this film is for you.

Shane (1953), ABC, 1.20am (Thursday)

The most resonate of all Western stories is that of the loner who rides into town, burdened by a past littered with too many deaths and wrong decisions, but who will, inspired by the inherent decency of those he finds, bravely and unselfishly save them – and, in the process, find redemption. However, George Stevens’ Shane makes it even tougher for the hero (Alan Ladd) because moral darkness is descending on the American West.
Scott Murray